Soul Gardening

Laryngitis, 42 Bites and Failure To Thrive

I'm not done yet. I know it seems like it, but I'm not.

I've lost my voice for awhile now. I haven't had time or energy or inspiration to write anything and I'm not sure how long it will be before I'm able to do so again on a regular basis but I wanted to get some things down during this time so I don't forget.

Things have been good at times, blissfully incredibly wonderful. We've done a lot of incredible things in the last few months and have had visits from friends and family. But life has also been difficult and draining and frightening.

I'm going to borrow text from an e-mail I sent to some wonderful blog friends who have inquired in the last month or two because I literally do not have the energy or the time to come up with something new but I want to get this all down so I don't forget. Because I figure someday soon, things are going to be better and when they are I want to look back on this time and see how far I've come.

Myles' first birthday was April 28th and I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. He's walking. Oh my GOD. And he's sweet and and smart and funny and happy (sometimes) but he's also difficult and emotional and high maintenance (I think the politically correct term is spirited and man is he ever) and he's been diagnosed with an eating/speech delay that we are trying very hard to correct.

I don't get much time to myself when Myles is awake because he pretty much relentlessly demands every second of my attention. And while we have finally got him sleeping mostly through the night (he only wakes up once or twice and I don't feed him anymore), he's not much of a napper which leaves me very little time during the day to get anything done. I rarely get to check my e-mail anymore and blogging is a luxury.

There are times when I have to put Myles in his crib and let him cry (okay, scream) just so I can get a shower or brush my teeth. I didn't think things would still be this intense at one year and I know many of you seasoned parents will chuckle here at my naivete.

The eating delay - at 12 months, Myles still cannot eat/chew/swallow anything that has any kind of texture. This means that we are still feeding him stage 2 (pureed) baby food and it has been a major struggle to get him to eat and gain weight. Two weeks ago at his one year check up he weighed 15 pounds 13 ounces.

The thickest food that he can manage is the stage 2 stuff. If we give him anything with chunks in it, he swallows the more liquidy part and spits out the chunks. He doesn't seem to have an issue with putting food or other things in his mouth, but he just never swallows any of it. On the bright side, I don't have to be as vigilant about him eating the cat food because he won't swallow it anyway.

Thus far he has been tested for Graves' disease and thyrotoxicosis (both negative) and a blood screen has been ordered for Cystic Fibrosis, Leukemia and Celiac disease because he hasn't gained any weight in three months. Yesterday we did a complete upper GI radiology series just to rule out any physical malformations or abnormalities.

Right around the time of my last post I was in the middle of trying to get an evaluation through our state's Early Steps (early intervention) program. Though it's taken a few months and several rounds of beurocratic bullshit, he was finally seen by a team of developmental specialists a few weeks ago. This is HUGE for us because it means we don't have to pay out of pocket for therapy which we are doing for all of Myles' other treatment and testing because our private health insurance has excluded GI conditions as pre-existing due to a reflux diagnosis he got as an infant.

As I suspected, he has no major developmental delays other than the oral motor problem that is causing him to gag at any kind of textured food. This will probably also mean a slight speech delay. At this point, we've had one session with an occupational therapist who has given us some exercises to help strengthen his oral muscles and desensitize his gag reflex.

I'm pretty sure there is something physiological going on that may be causing the hypersensitive gag reflex but that it is not the only problem. After we get the radiology results, we'll be heading back for a radiology swallow test that will show exactly how the mechanics of his mouth works as he eats and drinks and I am hoping more than I can say that this will tell us what is wrong.

I'm not going to sugar coat it. All of this has been so hard for me. I know in the grand scheme of things we are incredibly lucky that Myles' problem is not worse. In the last few weeks, I have seen some kids Myles' age and younger in much worse situations. But the truth is, trying to get Myles to just eat and to eat enough to sustain his weight is a full time job on top of the fact that he's an extremely high energy and emotional kid and I end each day exhausted and frazzled.

I'm still battling major hormonal issues. I quit taking the anti-depressant I was on two months ago because it didn't really seem to be helping with the negative stuff and it basically dulled me out so much I felt like I wasn't experiencing any emotions at all, happy or sad. I went to see my doctor for a new prescription (Lexapro -  anyone know anything about it? I've never tried this class of drugs that works on dopamine rather than seratonin but I'll try anything at this point.) that I can start when Myles is weaned.

I've decided against my better judgment to wean him now because I need this medication desperately and additionally we need to know exactly how many calories Myles is consuming each day (as if I didn't already aside from the breastmilk).  I'm struggling to get enough calories into him with the pureed food. I've been mixing in powdered formula and oatmeal with everything he eats and his doctor has also recommended that we start putting olive oil in his food. Doesn't sound very appetizing to me, but I'll try anything.

Jeff is traveling a lot for work and I struggle to keep my head above water when he's gone. There are many days that I feel like a terrible mother for getting frustrated with Myles when he won't eat or sleep. I don't want mealtime to become a battleground, but every feeding seems like an insurmountable obstacle and I worry about his nutrition/weight gain almost constantly.

I feel like I'm admitting defeat because this isn't working for me. Sometimes I hate being a mother because it just all seems so fucking hard and I know it shouldn't be and I feel like Myles is missing out on a lot because we waste so much time trying to get him to do the most basic things like eat and sleep. I resent that I don't have time for myself and that I'm not taking care of myself the way I should and I feel guilty for resenting anything that has to do with Myles when none of this is his fault.

I wish I had the time and energy to get back into writing on a more regular basis. It would really do me good right now, but I just can't, not only because of time constraints but also because I don't know what to say anymore. I don't feel like I have much of anything positive to write about and the negative stuff is just swirling around in my head in an incoherent jumble.

I hate to sound like such a downer. Aside from the feeding and weight issues, things are pretty good, but unfortunately the eating thing pretty much dominates our lives. And I know I need to take care of myself because my energy and patience levels are nowhere near where they need to be to handle all of this and that really just scratches the surface of how all of our lives have been affected.

It simply shouldn't be this hard, but it is. And my beautiful boy deserves a mom who can handle things much better than I have been. And I want to find my voice again. And I want things to be okay, for him and for me and for Jeff.

Mostly I want to find my voice again.

42 Bites referred to in the title - the exact amount of spoonfuls it takes to get 4 ounces of pureed baby food (mixed with olive oil, oatmeal and powdered formula) into my son in any given meal. Sometimes on rare occasions it takes ten minutes. This morning it took an hour an a half.

***Failure to Thrive - the diagnosis Myles has been given as a result of being under 16 pounds at 12 months when according to the doctors based on his height he should be closer to 22. That's 35% or more underweight for anyone keeping track.

Coming Through

...I can't express my feelings, any more
Than I can raise my voice or want to lift
My hand (oh, I can lift it when I have to).
Did ever you feel so? I hope you never.
It's got so I don't even know for sure
Whether I am glad, sorry, or anything.
There's nothing but a voice-like left inside
That seems to tell me how I ought to feel,
And would feel if I wasn't all gone wrong...

This is an excerpt from a Robert Frost poem that contains my favorite quote: "The best way out is always through".

When I wrote this a month ago, I was as Frost says, "all gone wrong". Someone, Heather, I think, commented that they hoped the fog would lift for me soon. At the time, when I was in the middle of it, those words felt like a charm, a talisman that I held on to, waiting, waiting for that fog to lift.

I'm feeling so much better now, it's almost hard to imagine how bad things were a few months ago. But then I look at Myles' baby book with four months worth of empty pages. Or I read posts that I don't remember writing. Or I look at pictures of myself with a strained smile and eyes that I don't recognize. And I realize how very badly I needed to take control of my health and well being. 

Depression of any kind is such an insidious disease. It creeps up on you and takes away your ability to realize just how much it has robbed you of every capacity of your life. It is impossible to be objective when you're in the middle of it.

A few days ago, Jeff made an offhand comment to me that things have seemed so much less stressful in the past few weeks. I don't think he meant it to be an accusation. But I know that the reason things have improved is because I have improved. And I wish I hadn't waited so long to get the help I so desperately needed.

The fog has lifted. I'm feeling more like me every day. I find myself singing songs to Myles, something I didn't do at all in the first five months of his life. My ability to cope has improved ten-fold and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. I'm finding joy every day, the way I used to.

I'm coming through.

Beware Of Zombies, And Goldfish!

Jeff says we can't call him Princess Buttercup.

I've got a product review up today at The Full Mommy. Please check it out if you get a chance; it's a good one. Sequoia Survival Co. has assembled an almost exhaustive survival kit I think everyone should have in their vehicles. It would also make a great gift for anyone you care about protecting.

Happy Halloween!

He Laughed, He Cried, He Fell Asleep

I started baby swim classes with Myles this week on the premise that the sooner he gets accustomed to being in the water, the more comfortable he'll be. It's important to us that even if he ends up not enjoying water sports, boating and diving as much as we do, that at least he'll be a strong swimmer.

The classes start with kids as young as six months and Myles was the youngest in the class. But there were five or six 18 month to two year olds swimming like fish who had been in classes since they were Myles' age. So I got to see where Myles will be in a year or so. It's pretty exciting.

We got there early and I took him into the pool and floated him around on his back for a few minutes and he loved it. (Like mother, like son, I guess.) When the class started and everyone was splashing around, it was a little much for him and he got fussy. He went underwater three times and did well but he didn't like it much. After all that excitement, he fell asleep in the pool, so at least I know he doesn't have a problem relaxing in the water.

We're leaving tomorrow for the wilds of north Florida, this amazing bluegrass and folk festival and our first camping trip with Myles. I'll leave with a few photos from this week.

Grassy

He started sitting up unassisted this week, just like that. I am absolutely amazed by how quickly he's learning and changing right now.

And I call this one "The World According to Myles".

Have a great weekend and wish us good weather and good luck taking a six month old camping for the first time! 

 

Who-Hoo!

See this smile?

It's because these fit. 

I haven't been able to wear them for about a year. There's a little muffin-top under my shirt, but overall, I'm very pleased.

Also, do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your own ass?

   

And yes, Kristen, those are Crocs flip flops. Shut up, they are the most comfortable shoes I own.

Totally unrelated, here's a picture of Myles trying desperately to get Jeff's beer. I don't know why we thought it was so funny. Apparently this is what we do for fun now that we have a baby. 

Of course we'll teach him the proper pour. 

   

Hour Glass

Their eyes turn to Myles long before they ever see me. Perhaps he reminds them of their grandchildren, or great-grandchildren.

Mostly the expression is wistful or longing, and I think they must be recalling times with their own children or grandchildren. But sometimes, there is a look of pure, raw hunger, a look that envies Myles' youth and his life stretching before him, a book full of empty pages.

Their eyes are always drawn to him wherever we go. We are outnumbered here, he and I, in a city where people come to live out their years, where the median age is at least twenty years older than mine.

Sometimes they approach, commenting on what a handsome little fellow, or happy little man he is. Occasionally they will tentatively reach out to touch his hand or foot. They never ask to hold him, not the oldest ones anyway, the ones with the steely hair and the faces mapped with wrinkles.

Often they give me advice: "Treasure every moment, even when he's throwing a fit", they say, "It goes by in the blink of an eye".  "The most precious thing you can give him is your time."

I believe them, not only because they have been where I am. Their eyes, drawn again and again to Myles, reveal the truth in their words. But there is something else, the almost six months that have passed in what seems like no time at all. And I know that they are right. I must cling to every second, even the ones that are difficult.

I have to stop wishing away the time, always looking toward the next milestone - "If only he could sit up." "I can't wait for him to be able to walk.", instead of focusing on the here and now and the amazing moments that happen every day.

I vow to do better after these encounters, but I am glad that they happen every day, a constant reminder to slow down and take the time that we have been given. 

   

Wanting

These days it seems I'm always yearning for something, mostly things I can do for myself if I could find the time or the energy. Some are intangibles or abstracts that will come to pass many years from now. In any event, I find myself thinking often about them, wishing for them.

I want a good solid uninterrupted night of sleep; just one a week would do. I want a really clean house with no dirt and dust in all the tiny cracks and crevices. I want to be moved by art or music or the written word. I want a really rich and satisfying piece of chocolate and a candle that smells like delicious juicy citrus.

I'd like my body to be firmer and stronger. I want my hormones to normalize so my mood and my skin and hair will settle down. I want the permanent line between my eyebrows to go away. I want more time to myself to write and read books and blogs and catch up with friends.

I want a never-ending well of patience and understanding. I want to be able to remember fifty years from now how it felt to hold such a tiny child. I want to be able to recall how wonderful it was to feel his warm little body and to bury my face in the folds of his neck, drawing in the unique smell before smothering him in kisses.

I'd like more time to take care of myself, to do the non-essential things like clip my fingernails, pluck my eyebrows and chin whiskers (where do these things come from anyway, I'm 36, not 80) and floss my teeth. I wish for my coffee to magically be waiting for me every morning when I get up. I want my favorite jeans from last year to fit and I want a really, really comfortable pair of shoes.

I want to focus on the good and happy things in my life, the way I used to. I want to find my voice again so I can write things that have substance. I want to pay closer attention to this beautiful place where I live and to take more pictures of it. I want to sit outside and watch a really spectacular thunderstorm, then walk out to feel the rain on my face.

I want Myles to be healthy and happy and to know every day how much he's loved. I want to be around to see him graduate from college and grow into a man. I want fifty or sixty more years with Jeff so I can see what he looks like covered in wrinkles with hair the color of a stormy sky. I want to love and be loved, laugh and create laughter, revel in the smallest happinesses because there are so many to be found if I only take the time to look.

The changes that have come with motherhood, big and small, knocked me for a loop. I've been drifting for the last few months, sometimes struggling to remember who I am, or learn how to redefine myself.

Two years ago, I named this journal Soul Gardening after a poem I wrote during a time a decade ago when my entire life was in flux. I haven't had much time lately, amid these new changes to tend to my soul the way I need to. I think it's time to start digging again. 

*A heartfelt thanks to V-Grrrl for the beautiful reminder.

   

MWF Seeking SF or MF For Casual Lunches, Cocktails And More

One of the most difficult things about new motherhood for me has been the isolation factor. Perhaps it's not the same for people who live near friends or family.

I think being in a place where our closest friends are two hours away has been a major contributing factor in my feeling so off kilter lately. And my feeling this way leaves me with little energy to put myself out there to find new friends. Even in the best of circumstances, I'm an introvert, so making friends has never been easy for me.

It's sort of a unique situation I'm in. I got pregnant right after we moved and although I was and am working, my job as a tutor does not put me in contact with colleagues in an office setting, one of the main venues for meeting new people. Jeff works from home as the only employee of a British company; no chances to meet people there either.

We attended a few birthing and parenting classes, but of course everyone else there was expecting a new baby too so like us, they suddenly got very busy.  I've been to La Leche League meetings in the hopes of finding some women there to hang out with, but they only meet once a month and again, most everyone is expecting or has a new baby.

I knew when we moved into our house in March that there wouldn't be many opportunities to meet people our age in our neighborhood, where we are literally the youngest residents. We live in southwest Florida. Most of our neighbors are retirees or at least members of AARP. They are all incredibly nice and we've had drinks with a few of them and gotten several offers to babysit Myles. But I'm talking about meeting women my age or at least ten years in either direction.

Approximately half of the people who live here are "snowbirds", meaning they live half the year in places like Michigan and Massachusetts and half here. So from June to January, their houses are shuttered up and empty. It's going to be a great, quiet, safe place to raise Myles, but not so much for making friends for us, or him, unless someone has their grandchildren down to visit.

Jeff travels a lot for work, and I'm alone with Myles for days at a time. It's 95 degrees here and blazingly sunny. That's fine for me; I love the heat and the sun, but Myles can't take it yet. I find myself doing things I never would have dreamed of just to get out of the house like going and walking around the mall with Myles in his sling.

I've given my number to pregnant women that I've struck up conversations with, but no one has called. Maybe they already have friends and family here. Or maybe they don't know how things will be once the baby comes, how they will really want someone to talk to who understands what it's like.

I'm starting baby swim classes with Myles in a month. I'm hoping that will allow me to meet some moms and also start making some connections so that Myles will have kids his age to play with when he's a little older. I had now idea how complicated this would get. I have to make friends now, not just for me, but also so Myles won't be lonely. 

I find myself looking at any woman with a small child as a potential friend and I must not be the only one. A few weeks ago, I took myself out to lunch for sushi with Myles. A woman around my age at the next table struck up a conversation and as it turns out she has a son a month younger than Myles. We're meeting for lunch tomorrow.

I feel like I'm going on a first date. I hope we like each other and that maybe this will end up being more than just a casual hook-up. No matter what happens, I'm not putting out. Although, she'll probably see my boobs if Myles gets hungry. 

Yup, sounds just like a first date.   

Inspired

Update:

Since Tink asked, here are a couple of pictures of the Maya wrap in action. These are the two positions we use the most:

The guaranteed sleep position. It's like being swaddled, which is why I think he loves it.

I've also tried it with Myles upright and facing me instead of facing out, but I think he likes to see what's going on.

********************************************************************

We're back from Atlanta, where Myles successfully slept through his first two plane trips. I can't really take any credit, I give all of that to the Maya wrap, now that I've got it figured out. Not only is it a surefire way to get Myles to sleep, but it's awesome for traveling. We saw several other parents in the airport loaded down with strollers and car seats, looking miserable. If we hadn't brought the sling, that would have surely been us.

The wrap also elicits stares and odd looks from a LOT of people. One woman on the street even screamed when Myles shifted inside while in the laying down position. I'm not sure what she thought I had in there. So anyway, thumbs up on the Maya, with one caveat: I've found it works best when the baby is a little bigger, I'd say over ten pounds, so it's not ideal for newborns, even though the instructions say you can use it with any baby.

This trip was incredible and  I find myself returning with renewed energy. I got to spend time with a dear friend whose baby is just a month younger than Myles. It was so great to talk with her about our experiences, sit quietly while we fed the babies, ask questions about how she does things and of course to see her with her beautiful son. It's amazing to know that Myles will have this friend someday that he's known all his life.

I caught up with other friends who I don't get to see as often as I'd like. Myles got to meet his cousin for the first time. We hit our favorite restaurants and hang outs. And the icing on the cake?

We left the babies on Monday night and headed out to see Neko Case and Rufus Wainwright. What a great show. Both performers are larger than life with voices that fill a room, sucking out all the oxygen and leaving you breathless. As an added bonus, there was another opening act called A Fine Frenzy who I almost enjoyed more than the headliners.

I'm starting back to my tutoring job next week, so this trip came at the perfect time. As much as I love Myles, I have to say I've been ambivalent at times about the ways our life is different now. This trip just showed me that Myles not only fits like a puzzle piece we didn't know was missing, but he makes everything so much better because we get to share it with him.

Horizons

We've been at the beach and on the boat most of this week, catching up with friends who are visiting from Ohio.

I've gotten to spend some time with one of my best friends, whose son is only two months older than Myles.

Can  you imagine having a friend you've known since you were this small? Someday, Myles will. And not just one either, because so many of my friends have had children this year. 

There have been sunsets like these.

And Myles has been doing so well lately. He's sleeping 7 or 8 hours at night, (at least until the teething starts) growing like a weed, finally getting over the reflux and generally filling our lives with joy.

 

This weekend, we're headed to the Keys to dive for lobster, do some deep sea fishing and generally decompress even further. I'll be writing and posting more photos throughout the week as being on and under the water always stirs my creativity.  For those of you heading to Blogher, have a blast, have a drink for me and don't forget... there's a cash bar, but the wine is free. 

Life is good.