Introversion and Motherhood

Perhaps the most difficult thing I've experienced in attempting to settle in to being a mother has been dealing with classic introversion. I've been this way my entire life. (Myers Briggs/Keirsey type INFJ) I have an almost visceral need for space and time to process daily life and I need to be alone to recharge my batteries. I am sure, as bloggers, many of you understand this.

It's not that I can't. or don't enjoy being social. I can and often do put myself out there. But if I spend an entire weekend with friends, even people I love dearly, I feel like I need a day in bed to recover.

When it comes to mothering Myles, there are several different factors to consider, the least of which is that I hardly get time to myself and it's the thing I need most to feel like a normal, functional human being.

This is partially my fault: I could make time before Myles gets up at 6:30am or after he goes to sleep at 8pm but I'm either sleeping or just too tired to do more than watch an hour of tv while folding laundry, and then go to bed. All I really need is half an hour to sit alone and write or make a great Sonos playlist, heavy on Kings of Convenience and Meg Hutchinson. I hardly ever do it though and when I do, I feel guilty.

Because I'm an introvert or whatever personality quirk you want to call it, taking care of Myles and the mental acuity and creativity it requires is often exhausting to me rather than rejuvenating. I wish it were different, I truly do, but this is something I can't control. I know that might sound like a cop-out but I don't know how else to explain it

I also tend toward being over-critical of myself. I often have a hard time living up to my ideals. I know all of this would be a lot easier if I could let up on myself a little and I am actually getting a lot better at doing that.

Just in case anyone is wondering, this is not as pervasive and soul-sucking as depression. I know what that feels like. This is just an aspect of my personality and I have to find a way to let it work for me rather than against me.If anyone has book recommendations, I welcome them.

On the flip side, being an introvert makes me better mother in so many ways. I believe I have a great sense of nurturing Myles' spirit because it's not hard for me to be intuitive with him. As someone who values being acknowledged for accomplishments and contributions, I'm hyper aware of doing this for Myles. Not having had a lot of this in my own childhood, I know how important it is for his self-esteem.

I look forward to having a better sense of Myles' temperament because I know that I'll be able to help him make the best of his strengths and work within his limitations. I'm seriously excited to be able to do this for him.

He's already an incredibly sensitive and sweet-natured boy. I'm sure I could be changing my tune about this if/when he hits the growing pains of two to four, but right now, in this stage, he's just delightful, if a tad challenging at times.

I don't think that being extraverted or introverted is better or worse in general or that it has any bearing on ability to mother. It has everything to do with mothering style though, so to me it's incredibly important to know yourself so that you can find ways to make it work for you.

Writing here really does that for me. Going to a great concert or festival does it too. Also being outside in the warm sunshine, of which we have an abundance. 

Life is pretty good.

Comments

[madge]

I nodded through this whole post.

So glad you're back. I need to climb back up on the horse myself. XO

[Chris]

You're sounding good. :)

[V-Grrrl]

I'm the same way and found the first few years of parenting difficult for the very same reasons. My husband traveled a lot and I frequently parented solo. We had no family in the area, and I was desperate for both time alone and adult interaction that didn't revolve around kids. When my son hit five and my daughter hit three, there was a palpable sense of relief for me. I'd finally hit a point where balance seemed possible. It was a relief to arrive at a place where I felt I was spending more time interacting with them and less time doing the drudge work of parenting. I could finally begin to recover a bit of time for myself too.

There are a lot of moms who are very soft and sentimental about their children's baby and toddler years. Not me!

[mamatulip]

"I also tend toward being over-critical of myself. I often have a hard time living up to my ideals. I know all of this would be a lot easier if I could let up on myself a little and I am actually getting a lot better at doing that."

I absolutely understand this. And the same goes for me as it did for V above - this year, the kids being 3 and 5, has seen me feel more myself since I became a mother.

[apathy lounge]

I tend to need time to process what I've been doing. If I'm around people I know, this is true. If I'm around people I've just met...then it's REALLY true. Being around young kids all day (mine or someone else's) means I desperately need to "unpack" my head at the end of the day. I find myself doing absolutely nothing (except studying) and holing up alone. I understand this post completely.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

I agree that knowing yourself so that you can better act as the mother of your child is so very important. It sounds like the deeper you get into this parenting gig, the more you are letting up on yourself and forgiving yourself and learning from both yourself and your son and that's great =) It also sounds like you're cheering up little by little, and I cannot tell you how glad I am to hear that.