To See The Sky

Sometime last fall, I realized that I could read while I was breastfeeding Myles. I don't know why this hadn't occurred to me in the five months prior. I think it was partly because my head had been in such a fog that I couldn't focus long enough to digest much more than a magazine article. And once I started reading, I couldn't stop.

I was a voracious reader as a little girl and some of my favorite books were those that people wrote about themselves - a little girl who beat cancer after having her leg amputated, a Belgian family sent to concentration camps for hiding Jews, a woman who became a paraplegic after a diving accident, a man who was burned over 80% of his body.

Stories of survivors of all kinds were fascinating to me because I was struggling to survive as well, although I don't think I ever made that connection. I was obsessed with learning about people and how their experiences shaped them, forged and tempered them, made them stronger.

It's been a long time since I've read a memoir. Somehow as I got older, it didn't seem as important to me to focus on the experiences from my past because I wanted so desperately to move past them. The lies we tell ourselves to survive as children of abuse do not serve us well as adults and once we overcome them, it's difficult to go back.

I recently read Felicia C. Sullivan's book The Sky Isn't Visible From Here as a review for the Parent Bloggers Network. This true story took me in and didn't let me go until I had read it in three days and then picked it up and read it again.

Felicia's story is harrowing and terrible and so familiar in parts that it was hard to read. She recounts the story of growing up with a mother who was not only an abusive addict but most likely also a borderline personality or worse. 

In reading it, I had to constantly remind myself that this book was not fiction. These things actually happened to a little girl who not only lived through them, but beat every single odd stacked against her to become a writer who is able to tell her incredibly sad and sometimes terrifying story in a way that makes you understand exactly how her life was shaped by the horrible things she endured.

As someone who has struggled with my own parental demons, although not nearly to the extent that she did, I can completely relate to Ms. Sullivan's fight to not become just like the mother (in my case it was my father) who took so much away from her.

Like Ms. Sullivan I wasted a good portion of my twenties denying that my father had had any influence at all on my life, denying that I was angry at him, denying that I needed help to learn how not make the same mistakes he did.

More than anything else, this book made keenly aware of what an enormous responsibility it is to be a mother and how much our children's lives are shaped by what we do and who we choose to be for them.

The reader may have a hard time following the time line of the story. Ms. Sullivan skips back and forth between her childhood and adulthood quite a bit and it does require you to pay close attention or flip back and forward to get the proper perspective. But other than this small thing, the book is really an amazing read.

Thank you to Felicia Sullivan for telling this story. I know it could not have been an easy thing to relive. And thank you for reminding me of the strength, forgiveness, grace and courage it takes to be a survivor.

Other reviews of The Sky Isn't Visible From Here can be seen at the Parent Bloggers Network.

Comments

[Chris]

Sounds like a cool book - but I'm particularly happy that you've discovered reading while breastfeeding! I kept my SIL in a steady supply of rather random reading material during that time.

[Lori]

" Somehow as I got older, it didn't seem as important to me to focus on the experiences from my past because I wanted so desperately to move past them. The lies we tell ourselves to survive as children of abuse do not serve us well as adults and once we overcome them, it's difficult to go back." Wow! These are such powerful words to those of us that have survived abuse as children and are trying so hard to exist differently now in this moment. Oh the lies I told myself and believed as a child...really did help me survive some horrible times but the truth is these same lies started sucking the life out of me as I grew older and I had to come face to face with the truth in order to get whole and heal.

"thank you for reminding me of the strength, forgiveness, grace and courage it takes to be a survivor." Thank you for this post...it is so good to be reminded of how far I have come in my journey. I am happy that you too have come this far and are able to stand where you are right now and share so openly and honestly the truth of surviving. It is beautiful. It brings tears to my eyes.

"More than anything else, this book made keenly aware of what an enormous responsibility it is to be a mother and how much our children's lives are shaped by what we do and who we choose to be for them." Wow! Such truth and so beautifully said...this has been the cry of my heart since becoming a mother....to make this choice to be different then what I was taught. I was scared to death to become a mother...I was scared I would be just like them....I made the choice at that moment that I would do what it takes to learn differently...to "be" differently. That was 27 years ago and I am happy to say I am not like them.
I happened to come across your blog recently and you really touch my heart by what you write. This post really touched me and made me rejoice over all that I have overcome and have gotten to experience as a mom because I have chosen the path of healing through grace, forgivness, strength, letting go, facing the truth...ect..Thank you for reminding me of what it's all about!

[Anastasia Beaverhausen]

I read about this book on another site as well and made a mental note to pick it up. It sounds horrifying, but also compelling.

[V-Grrrl]

I like biographies and memoirs; I started reading them as a teen. As an adult, I especially enjoy reading about the lives of artists and creative types. I've read Georgia O'Keefe's and Van Gogh's letters, an enormous (was it 800 pages?) biography of Neil Young, Steve Martin's recollections of his years as a stand up comic, Jane Pauley's life as a journalist and her unexpected turn into manic-depression...

[DebbieDoesLife]

I am so glad you have rediscovered books. I think right now where you are at it is important for you to be able to "leave" and have some time for yourself and reading can do that.

Your line about denying in your 20's that you were angry at your father or that he had any impact was very thought provoking.

Great post!