Here I am. I'm the woman who is still surprised every time someone asks how old she is and the answer is "36". I'm the new mother who is worried every day that her baby is too small for his age, or not sleeping enough, who can't believe that four months has already passed.
I'm the wife who's still trying to figure out how her marriage has changed now that that they are a family of three. I'm the friend who looks forward to hearing from you, even though we don't talk as often as I wish we could.
I'm the writer trying to hone her craft, who composes essays in her head more often than she has time to type them. I'm the daughter in law who is thankful every day that my husband's parents raised such an incredible person, that even though we're still working out the kinks in this parenting gig, there's no one else I'd rather be with.
I'm the mom who does too many internet searches on teething and swaddling and infant sleep patterns and who is ambivalent about going back to work. I'm the girl who hates her entire wardrobe and her hair and who no longer dresses for fashion, but solely for comfort.
I'm the woman who's worried she's becoming a cliche, the one who's stretched too thin trying to balance all the aspects of her life and feeling like she's not doing any of them well most of the time.
I'm overtired, in need of a manicure and pedicure and some time to myself that doesn't involve taking a shower or running errands. I'm a little too earnest and overly emotional and I'm sometimes scared that my life is going places I never intended.
I'm trying to find my way through a life that has become slightly unfamiliar. It's a strange feeling and in the middle of it all, I'm not unhappy. I just feel as if I've lost my center and the luxury of time and energy to figure it all out is hard to come by at the moment.
So, here I am.
I know you because you remind me of me...17 years ago. That said? I miss you.
Posted by: wordgirl | August 20, 2007 at 01:12 AM
"I'm trying to find my way through a life that has become slightly unfamiliar."
I have felt that way at many points in my life, but never knew how to put it into words.
(Hope you start getting some more down time for yourself.)
Posted by: Ortizzle | August 20, 2007 at 01:18 AM
And you are 100% real and true and okay. And that, my friend, is better than 90% of the people out there stumbling around.. :-)
Posted by: Wendy | August 20, 2007 at 07:26 AM
the view looks lovely from over here.
a wise, wise woman once told me never to make any major decisions during the first year of your baby's life. probably because the kinds of things we are trying to figure out are so intense during that time. i had some extremely confusing moments then and i always reflected on her words and it got me through.
Posted by: jen | August 20, 2007 at 09:19 AM
*hug* Hitting the point in life where you start dressing simply for comfort is a very good point. :)
Posted by: Chris | August 20, 2007 at 10:03 AM
I know exactly what you mean. Truly.
Posted by: mamatulip | August 20, 2007 at 01:39 PM
The sum of all parts.
The makings of a truly amazing woman...
Posted by: Tink | August 20, 2007 at 07:12 PM
Welcome to this crazy thing called motherhood. Its tough in the beginning wrestling with everything, but in the end it just helps you find more of yourself that you never knew existed. Its the same you, just smarter and more experienced.
Posted by: boogiemum | August 20, 2007 at 09:12 PM
Love this.
You'll get the time and energy to figure it out soon enough. The key will be to actually let yourself take that time.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | August 20, 2007 at 09:38 PM
Love this post. You'll be glad to have these essays later to remind you of this shifting as it was occurring. One day, you'll read this and think, "Oh, yeah. I remember when this was all so new and strange...."
Posted by: www.nolanotes.com | August 20, 2007 at 10:45 PM
Hi, you. ((hugs))
Posted by: Nancy | August 21, 2007 at 10:08 AM
Hugs and kisses as you work through this -- we are always here to listen. And I love Wendy's response!
Posted by: mayberry | August 21, 2007 at 11:19 AM
My oldest turns 12 next week and I'm still negotiating how to be a mother and be myself.
Being a mother AND being a wife has been hard. I was so much better at being a wife before I became a mother. Now I feel I suck at it.
And I definitely feel like a cliche.
But if I'm honest, I have to say I was grappling with my sense of self long before I jumped down the rabbit hole of parenthood.
Posted by: V-Grrrl | August 21, 2007 at 11:33 AM
Lovely post.
Posted by: jodifur | August 21, 2007 at 11:40 AM
And Here I am, to hold your hand and try to figure this out together - because it doesn't get easier alone.
Love you
Posted by: Dawn | August 21, 2007 at 01:54 PM
This is a VERY long overdue thank you for your comment on the infertility social experiment post originated by me last spring. To jog your memory I asked Jenn of the Mommy Blogger site to poll her readers on my behalf. I was re-reading some of the responses and yours jumped out at me for the kindness and sincerity you demonstrated. http://www.mommybloggers.com/2007/03/what_once_was_in_no_longer_wal.html
Sorry to hear you're have a difficult time finding your center. I'm having a similar challenge but for the exact opposite reason you describe. How's that for irony? I hope we both figure it out soon. Best to you, PJ
Posted by: Pamela Jeanne | August 21, 2007 at 08:22 PM
You'll get there. No doubt.
Posted by: DebbieDoesLife | August 23, 2007 at 07:35 AM
oh yes, I've been in that place too, for a few years actually. I've often wondered why that stage has lasted so long - why that internal state of flux has just held. maybe because for the first time, I'm not the main one I have to think about.
Posted by: jennie | August 23, 2007 at 01:46 PM