Sometimes There Are No Easy Answers

This week, as part of a review for the Parent Bloggers Network, I read a book that was extremely difficult for me, emotionally. I chose to do this review purposely, knowing that it would probably be hard, but I had no idea how it was going to effect me. The book is called: "When Parents Hurt - Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along".

I don't have grown children, but I am an adult child who is estranged from my father. The issue for me is not that my dad and I "don't get along". It goes so much deeper than that. A few years ago, after seeing him for the first time in over five years, I wrote about my struggle to come to terms with my decision to not have him in my life.

"When Parents Hurt... " is meant to be a primer for parents who are having difficulty relating to or having relationships with teen or adult children. It's written for parents who have a desire to do what they can to repair broken relationships with their children or to help themselves deal with the personal aftermath of estrangement from a teen or adult child.

The book, written by Joshua Colman, Ph.D., provides an in depth explanation and history of how parenting has changed over the last century and the unique challenges that parents face today. It offers questionnaires and exercises for parents who wish to truly understand their role in the breakdown of relationships with their children, strategies for repairing those relationships when possible and tactics for healing personal wounds like the regret and guilt that come from broken familial bonds.

The book was difficult for me to read because it hit so close to home. Although this is not a book my father would ever read, I had a hard time imagining him reading it, seeking out this kind of advice. I had to check myself many times from becoming angry at the author for seemingly absolving parents of their role in alienating their children when in reality he provides a way for parents to see the situation from both sides.

It was difficult for me to accept that in some cases, the parent might not be 100% at fault for the breakdown in the relationship, that sometimes, even parents who do everything right can have a child who wants nothing to do with them. In my opinion, it is much more often the case that relationships are broken because parents have wronged their children through abuse, neglect or indifference.

It felt strange to me that Dr. Coleman would be advising parents who may have done very real things to ruin the relationships with their children. I had to open myself to the idea that these kinds of parents deserve compassion and forgiveness for often unforgivable behavior, if not from their children, at the very least from themselves.

I had to acknowledge that people can change and wish to make amends. I had to question what I would do in the unlikely event that my dad would ever admit what happened in our past and want to try to rebuild our relationship and that was extremely uncomfortable for me.

I don't blame my father for how my life turned out, as Dr. Coleman suggests is often the case in strained parent/adult child relationships. On the contrary, I have an incredibly good life in spite of  the parenting (or lack thereof) I received from my father.

I had to work extremely hard to overcome his influence and while I have forgiven him, I can't have him in my life any more affecting me or my family. I don't want to hurt him. I just don't want to have to deal with him and his issues because it's simply too hard.

"When Parents Hurt..." is a book for parents who really want to work toward understanding what went wrong in their relationships with their children. If there is a parent out there who wants to put forth the effort to understand and change in order to repair a broken relationship or help themselves to feel better about the way things turned out with their children, this book would be a great starting point. One caveat though, the author doesn't mention this and I'm not an expert, but I think the book would best be used in conjunction with, rather than in place of therapy.

This is also an excellent book for those who want to avoid making the same mistakes their parents did. It offers great information on parenting in our current culture of fear and consumerism and it made me even more firm in my resolve to raise my own child in a way that doesn't promote conspicuous consumption and a sense of entitlement.

Ultimately, I found this book helpful as a proactive measure and I think it would be a great tool for parents who are suffering and looking for answers and ways to help themselves heal. I do feel Dr. Coleman gets a bit bogged down in the psychology and the average layperson may find it a bit too technical, but overall it provides an abundance of great information on the subject.

It's striking that through reading this book and the other reviews, there are so many people who are estranged from one or both of their parents. Whether you're a parent whose child has distanced themself from you, or you are the one who has chosen to cut off relations with your parent, there are no easy answers and even though there seem to be so many of us, the guilt and shame that we carry can't be easily shaken.

For me there is little chance that my relationship with my father will ever change, because he will never change. I've come to terms with that and have moved on. This book reminded me that whatever the situation, and whichever side you fall on, it's so important to forgive yourself and the other party. As difficult as that can be, as far as I'm concerned, sometimes that's the best we can hope for.

Comments

[mothergoosemouse]

Thanks for reviewing the book. I expected that it wouldn't be easy for you, but I knew you'd give it a thorough and thoughtful look.

[Mignon]

Man, I think this line all the time: "I have an incredibly good life in spite of the parenting (or lack thereof) I received from my father."

He left my life when I was 2 and was never any kind of figure after that. The hard part is reconciling this with the half-assed father he was to my older brothers. They still keep in touch, making it harder for me to just let it all slip away.

[Chris]

I feel the same way - I have a good life in spite of my mom, in spite of, as my brother and I joke, "being raised by wolves." And like you and your dad, I cannot have my mom in my life. I can recognize that I may have had a part in our difficulties, but she cannot accept that she might have. Hard to go anywhere from there, you know?

[Heather]

Having both alcoholics (recovered and otherwise) in my family wake, as well as an absentee dad (for the 1st 18 years) and a grandmother (who basically raised me) whom I feel the same way about as you feel about your father, your post touched a nerve. I've had many years of therapy and just some dumb biological luck to have made good, healthy choices in order to have a different life. And I am grateful beyond measure. And that also means certain people aren't invited to the party, and that's a-ok with me. I agree with your idea about forgiveness being for us, not for the person who we are angry with. When I had Owen, I came to two realizations: 1) my parents did the best that they could, as I do--we all fall short in ways we will only know when our own babes end up on the couch someday... 2) I don't care--some people are just toxic, and while I can forgive, I want zero to do with them, irrespective of biology. Good for you for taking an objective view, and for thinking through all these issues as you wade through new motherhood. I love reading whenever you post!

[stella]

sounds like your relationship with your father...and the one i don't have with my mother...are similar.

it is very hard.

[Dr Joshua Coleman]

Hi,

Josh Coleman here, author of When Parents Hurt. Thank you for the thoughtful review. I can see how the book would have been a struggle to read if you're someone who has had lousy parenting. In the book, I tried to keep both people in front of me as I was writing; the parent who wanted to heal the relationship with his or her child, and the child who had been wounded by the parent's mistreatment or neglect. It is true that some of the parents who need the book the most may be the ones least likely to read it, or do the hard work that is required if they follow my recommendations. I'm hoping that there are others out there who are like some of the people that I see in my practice who know that they made serious mistakes and are willing to do whatever it takes to earn their way back into their child's heart. I also completely understand those adult children who can't let that happen- who feel like, "Where were you when I needed you? It's easy to be a parent now that I'm all grown."
whenparentshurt.com

[V-Grrrl]

I have known so many good parents who have estranged children. It's sobering. Has made me realize that I have no guarantee of having a good relationship with my own children later on in life--so I treasure what we have now and realize some things are beyond my control. If they turn on me later, well, I've done my best.

[Dr Joshua Coleman]

Hi V-Grrrl

I think you raise an important point: there are a lot of decent parents whose children have rejected them, and all we can do is do the best job that we can as parents as we're being parents. I think some f the alienation that happens occurs in the period after children leave home and are trying to figure out who they are and to reckon with whatever ways that they feel unprepared for life. Blaming a parent is a way to feel less defective: "If you'd been more X, I wouldn't be so
Y" That's why I strongly encourage parents to try to be empathic and remain committed to their grown children even when they're being critical. To fess up to whatever kernel of truth there is in the complaint and to not get too tripped up by the inaccuracies. That provides the best environment for the adult child to find him or herself and the best environment for the relationship to be preserved.

[Rae Jean]

I came across this webiste, because I am searching for answers to what we are going through with our son, age 25. I have not read the book, but would like to. Our son caused us much heartache from the time he was 16 til now... lying, stealing, using drugs and alcohol, losing job after job etc. etc. He left us on July 14, 2006 and has never contacted us since. We know what city he is in, but he doesn't want to be found. When he left all that we required of him was to have a job, and take care of his responsibilities, and when he couldn't do that he just left. My husband, his dad, says he can never come home no matter what, and I am trying to deal with that loss. I find myself holding alot inside; feeling guilty and having many regrets. My son was raised in a loving stable environment, so it makes it even harder to handle knowing we were being the best parents we knew how to be.