Put Sand In Her Vaseline

With all the rapid changes that happen to the body during pregnancy, it's sometimes easy to forget that there was a time before when things were different. I've heard and read from a lot of women that pregnancy makes them feel overwhelmed and out of control and I can understand why.

Things change so quickly, almost daily it seems. Our bodies stretch and grow, taking on almost alien proportions. Hormone levels can fluctuate wildly leaving you happy one minute and crying the next. Suddenly you are sharing your most intimate space with someone else who sleeps and wakes, moves and turns and even gets the hiccups.

While the experience has been surreal, I have been more fascinated with all the changes than anything. The truth is, pregnancy has felt like a reprieve for me. From the time I got my first period 23 years ago I have had pretty severe PMS symptoms.

It was never the physical stuff; that part was always easy to deal with compared with the heinous hormonal fluctuations. With increasing intensity over the years, I found myself navigating uncontrollable mood swings, depression, irritability, sometimes even rage.

I know that dealing with infertility probably exacerbated things, but those symptoms were there long before Jeff and I ever started trying to have a baby. The drill went something like this: For the first two weeks of my cycle, I would be relatively normal and on an even keel. But I had come to literally dread the two-three weeks after ovulation (which coincidentally was why we were having trouble conceiving and maintaining a pregnancy to begin with - Luteal Phase Defect) because like a light switch the hormones would turn me into a crazy person until my period finally started and provided me with relief.

Aside from the joy of finally being pregnant after dealing with infertility, the best thing about pregnancy for me has been not having to deal with PMS for the last nine months.

Now, knowing the potential my body has to screw with me hormonally, I'm worried about what happens post partum. Am I at greater risk for postpartum depression? I worry about that. A lot.

I know there's really nothing I can do, other than be aware of the potential issue and monitor myself closely. For now, I'm going to enjoy another guaranteed month of hormonal bliss, and hope that breastfeeding will continue to stave off the demons for a while longer.

But sometimes I feel like my hormones are a loaded gun pointed right at my chest, just waiting for someone to brush the trigger.   

Comments

[Violet]

On my women's list, we call it "free floating rage" whenever there's an explosion for no apparent reason (other than hormones). Yuck. Being pregnant must feel WONDERFUL compared to that!

Post-partum depression is a pretty scary thing, but it's one of those things that can be diagnosed and help given if it's noticed, right? I bet Jeff will keep an eye on you, and you're prepared to keep an eye on yourself, so you'll be ready to nab it right away if it happens.

Here's hoping it's aaaaaaaaaall smooth sailing, however. I've heard a few people say that their PMS (and other issues) cleared up after they had their first child - like a reset on the hormones. :)

[Chris]

Pregnancy changes everything - things might be totally different after the baby is born. I hope it "resets" those troublesome bits.

[DD]

The part that's really hard when it comes to PPD is that you have to somehow figure out what "symptoms" may just have to do with a new third party who will demand 99% of your time.

Obviously you will have the hormonal dip after your son arrives, and knowing that is half the battle. It's easy for me to say to not worry about the things that can't be changed (but monitored) and instead try to figure out whether it will be Jeff or you that gets peed on first and when. Those are the moments you want to remember and that you definitely can prepare for.

[mayberry]

Do you read Ask Moxie? She has a whole series on preventing PPD.

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie

[mayberry]

PS in our house the one who got peed on first was the big sister. Right in the FACE! Luckily she thought it was funny.

[jonniker]

I worry about many of the same things, and it's worth noting that I feel your pain on the LPD immensely, as mine was caused by a thyroid imbalance. While many people get PMS, I don't think that everyone understands the wild feeling of being truly, madly, deeply OUT OF CONTROL with rage that an LPD can precipitate.

[Mignon]

Yeah, what DD said. The confusion and fatigue and everything that happens because of the situation (meaning the whole baby shenanigans) disguises what may or may not be PPD. A person as self-aware as you may have an easier time, in that respect. Not until the second child did I understand why I was crying, why I was freaking out about being out of toilet paper in 1 of our 2 bathrooms, why it was so hard to butter the toast... Once I knew it was mild PPD I just knew to roll with it. Crying helped a lot, but just recognizing it was super important.

Just make sure not to cut yourself off from any and everyone that wants to help. La leche and lactation clinics are wonderful, when you're ready to get out and about. And usually both are excellent on the phone as well.

[The Fat Lady Sings]

Hiccups? How odd that must feel! How do you soothe hiccups when your baby is still in the womb? Wow. How interesting. Thanks for sharing that, honey. Hiccups!!

And I know about bad periods and how they can really screw with your life. I never had the emotional bullshit - just the physical. With me entering menopause now, the whole things completely out of whack. I either have no period - or have one that lasts a month. I can still feel myself ovulate, though - which is weird.

Hopefully your body will change after the birth of your son. That happened with a friend of mine. After the baby, her periods regulated out - no more odd timing or hormonal shifts. Let’s pray that's how it is with you too!

[Ortizzle]

Can't tell you about PPD, but I hear you on the hormonal swings. I have heard from many women friends that things do sort themselves out after you have had a baby. I agree with Mignon, at any rate: you are so on top of all the possible contingencies and have a real common-sense approach to things that I am sure you will weather it out well if it does affect you.

[V-Grrrl]

I didn't menstruate until my son was about 8 months old. It had been so long since I'd had a period, that I truly had forgotten about it. When I saw blood, I had a moment of panic as I wondered, "What's wrong with me?!"

I hope you get a long break and that when things resume, your issues are resolved. Mood swings are tough enough--mood swings with children around bring on so much guilt.

[wordgirl]

None of the women I knew who had severe PMS symptoms experienced PND. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but sometimes pregnancy brings the body full circle and severe symptoms of PMS sometimes abate. Good luck with that.

[Meghan]

I suggest talking to your doctor now just to have a plan in place, just in case.

The thing about PPD, is it kind of sneaks up on you. Because it's all happening at once - Huge life change, zero sleep, entire center of universe has shifted, PPD can actually get lost in the shuffle, even when your in the midst of it.

Looking back on my own experience, in retrospect, I was totally off my rocker, but at the time, I was like "I wonder if somethings wrong?" And I was too tired / confused / PPD addled to take action.
I plan to be much better prepared this time around.

[Heidi]

I've had one period in the past 3.5 years. Breastfeeding kicks ass. I still have the hormonal fluctuations - due to the breastfeeding, ironically, but they're nothing like I experience when I'm ovulating.

I will say, though...be prepared for a very emotional day just before your milk comes in. With Liam I spent the day crying because my dad had installed a new sink for me. It was pathetic.

As for PPD, as someone who has a tendency toward depression anyway, it was pretty much a given. Fortunately, there are medications available that are compatible with breastfeeding. I am doing so much better with Elena than I ever did with Liam.