A Series Of Unfortunate Events

{Or how a cat's allergy and my quest for fiber lead to disastrous results - with way too much information regarding my dietary and bathroom habits}

This story begins before it begins with our three-year quest to find a food that doesn't make our cat, Petey sick. He has some some of strange feline version of Celiac Disease and as a result most commercial cat foods are indigestible to him.

We have spent thousands of dollars on vet bills and different foods trying to find one that doesn't make him vomit spectacularly. Of course there is a solution in the form of an outrageously expensive food with a very simple duck protein. If it were up to natural selection, Petey would be dead, but we love him, so we we pay over $5/pound for special duck cat food.

Our other cat, Lucy does not have any food allergies, so to offset the cost of Petey's food, she gets Cat Chow. The problem is that both cats have to be fed at the same time and the food then has to be removed immediately after feeding because in addition to having a ridiculously sensitive system, Petey is also not very bright and will eat the food that makes him sick any chance he gets and of course Lucy would love to scarf down the expensive, high fat delicacy that Petey gets. High maintenance assholes.

Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon. Jeff is out of town and I have gotten a bit lazy about picking up the cat food immediately after the cats finish eating because bending down is becoming a problem for me. I walk into the kitchen and find Petey going to town on the Cat Chow when he has a full bowl of super expensive duck food just a few feet away. Dickhead.

I realize that at some point in the next 24 hours I'm going to be cleaning up cat puke, but Jeff's mom has invited me to dinner and she's on her way to pick me up, so I vow to worry about it later and head out the door.

When I returned from dinner Tuesday night, I searched the house from top to bottom and there was no vomit to be found, so I figured I had dodged a bullet and went to bed.

Wednesday morning arrived and I began the day with my one allotted cup of coffee and a bowl of organic high fiber cereal. This is important to note. Due to pregnancy, my metabolism is beginning to slow. This means if I don't consume the amount of roughage found in a 2x4 each day, things basically stop moving. This is not a situation I am comfortable exploring, so I've been on a mission, a fiber mission if you will, which, along with regularity, causes many undesirable results as I'm sure you can imagine.

So there I was basking in the afterglow of the dietary equivalent of a heavy duty laxative when I hear the unmistakable distressed meow that Petey makes right before he lets loose with a technicolor yawn.

I manage to get him into our bathroom, which has a tile floor, seconds before he spews what had to have been several quarts of effluvia. The stomach capacity of this cat never ceases to amaze me.

I comfort Petey, send him outside and begin the process of cleaning up. Keep in mind that pregnancy has also caused me to have the olfactory senses of a bloodhound, our tiny bathroom is not ventilated and getting onto my hands and knees is becoming a real challenge for me and you'll understand why it took me almost half an hour to clean up the mess. 

After going back to the kitchen several times to dispose of paper towels, I eventually threw the last batch into the toilet, thinking in the very back of my mind that this might not be such a great idea, but not caring too much at that juncture.

When I had finished, I realized that I was hungry again. I know, you'd think I would have lost my appetite - yet another bonus of pregnancy, so I heated up a frozen dinner of fettuccine Alfredo (which everyone knows is great for constipation) with chicken at 10:30 in the morning and scarfed it down in record time.

Just as I was scraping the last of the sauce from the cardboard box, Jeff's mom called to tell me she was coming by to drop off a special pillow for me. She knows I've been having some trouble getting comfortable lately and happened to have something she thought would help. Jeff's parents are incredibly kind and thoughtful people. What she dropped off ended up being a wedge pillow that looks suspiciously like one of these but I don't ask questions.

She only lives five minutes away, and just as I hung up the phone, I realized that the fiber was doing its job and that I needed to make a quick stop in the bathroom before she arrived.

In a hurry and forgetting that I had disposed of a wad of vomit covered paper towels without flushing the toilet, I completed the transaction, downloaded the files, dropped a deuce, whatever you want to call it. As I stood up and flushed I realized that those paper towels and all that fiber were going to come back to haunt me.

I stood there, praying to the bathroom gods that the toilet would not completely overflow, which thankfully it didn't. However nothing went down either. I was in a panic at this point so I ran back into the living room, where the cardboard box and fork from my frozen dinner still sat on the coffee table.

And here is where my decision process totally broke down. I grabbed the cardboard box and fished the paper towels, along with quite a bit of other solid material out of the toilet. With a fork.

I know, I'm completely disgusted with myself too, but it worked. So with only minutes to spare, I carried the box outside, tied it up in a plastic bag and disposed of it just before Jeff's mom arrived with the sex pillow.

Is it a surprise to anyone that by 11am yesterday, I was ready for a nap?

Comments

[Chris]

*blink blink*

Wow. Um, what a morning?!

My SIL swears by drinking water with lemons in it for that aspect of pregnancy...

[mdog]

omg. a fork? you are amazing.

[Suebob]

Sex pillow. *Snort*

[Tink]

Ahahahahaha! You went bobbing for turds with a fork and then blogged about it! I love you. I really do.

[Sillychick]

holy shit, I mean, goodness! That was a funny story!

[Ellie's Mommie]

OMG!! I BOW to you!! I'm 29 wks along & I might've gotten as far as dragging the vomitous cat to the linoleum. No doubt there would have been no comforting though b/c I'd have been heaving in the toilet as well. As far as the fork! NO WAY! Maybe! If I had to! If our lives were dependant! Did you throw the fork away? I would have! Oh the horror! Part of me is laughing at the whole situation... the other half is dumb struck in my pregnant HORROR!!

[Heather]

Desperate times do indeed call for desperate measures. :)

[Jessie]

I'm sorry, but I'm just about dying of laughter over here. That's one of those embarrassing stories you can't help but blog about, isn't it?

[Tripping Daisy]

Hee hee! This post just made a crappy day (oops, no pun intended) so much better. ;)

[V-Grrrl]

You had me at "High maintenance assholes." By the time I got to "Dickhead," I was dying. And I hadn't even clicked over to the sex site at that point--which incidentally, engaged in some online bondage and wouldn't let me GO, but that's another story. Now I'm worried about smutty pop-ups appearing when my kids go online later.

Finally the denoument of your story: I'm thinking "Oh no!!! NOw the toilets constipated and going to throw up on floor! No, No, NO!!!!"

But then you grab a fork and all I can think of is the old college saying of dismay, "Eat s**t and bark at the moon."

Now I need a nap too. What a ride.

[mothergoosemouse]

Colace.

Tacy wants to know why I'm shrieking with laughter. I told her that my friend had a problem with her potty.

[mamatulip]

LOLOLOLOLOL!

I would have done the same thing, Teebs. Honest to god. When I was pregnant with Oliver I dropped a deuce that was about the size of an anaconda and I clogged the toilet. I didn't realize just how big the deuce was until the toilet flooded. I stood outside the bathroom door and watched in horror as a Poo Tsunami flooded my bathroom floor and seeped into the basement and under the freezer.

I had to clean it all up, which took about an hour, but believe you me, if I'd had an empty frozen dinner box and a fork I would have been a happy camper.

[DebbieDoesLife]

Well, all I can say is you are losing all sense of shame which is good since you are getting ready to give birth where you will lose whatever you have left.

Can you believe people pay money for this pillow? Now I have to go back and find out what the sexy restraints are.

[Ortizzle]

I already put up a comment, but apparently it didn't "take."

Anyway... that was funny as hell, and very well written. Gives a whole new dimension to cutlery. :-)

[Chase]

Too funny!! I was giggling along with you until I came to the fork part. My mouth dropped for that one! HAHAHAHAH!!

That'll give me nightmares for weeks! LOL

[Amy Y.]

I'm still back at the part where you feed your cat duck!