Convergence

In April of 1985, I was 13 years old and looking forward with great anticipation to my 14th birthday in June. I wanted to be older and wiser. I desperately wanted to experience things that 14 year olds did and know what they knew. I was almost a year away from my first kiss. I had never tasted alcohol or smoked a cigarette.

Something fundamental in me was changing, awakening during that time and I remember it as if it were yesterday. I was unsure of myself in the way that you can only be at 13, but every day was a movable feast of discovery about myself and the world around me.

I recall the vague feeling of unease, a disquiet that rested inside of me for most of that year. It seemed I was always waiting for something, anything to happen that spring. I spent a lot of time by myself writing and walking around my neighborhood, daydreaming small dramas and romantic notions.

The church and school that my parents were affiliated with would not allow us to see movies. In the spring of 1985, I took to sneaking away to the theater. I chose my movies carefully. My favorites from that time were Lucas and Cocoon. It is not lost on me now that the subject matter of both was about life changes or coming of age.

There was an inexplicable yearning in me then. I would often wake up drenched in sweat with a sob building in my throat, not knowing what I was feeling. Now, twenty-one years later, I find myself thinking of that time, keenly remembering those feelings and realizing that I am, somehow in a very similar chapter of my life.

Because Jeff is away as often as he is at home, I find myself spending more time alone than I have in years. We are in the process of making some major life changes - moving 1,000 miles away, trying to have a child. Everything is in flux and again I find myself waiting for something to happen.

At 13, my body was changing before my eyes. Now at almost 35, changes occur again, unbidden - something less intrinsic than puberty or menopause. It seems a subtle shift is occurring in my body and in my mind.

Just when I had begun to believe I knew myself and as I had become comfortable and familiar with the body I live in and the woman I have become, I realize that everything is mutable. Perhaps there are other, not so noticeable points of change in a woman's life that no one tells us about which occur between the major life events.

Again I find myself yearning for some nameless thing, waking drenched in sweat at 3am. Something pivotal is happening, without my knowing exactly what it is or how to control it. Everything reminds me of being 13, yet nothing is the same. I am moving inexorably toward a point on the horizon that has yet to be determined.

It is in our very nature to change, to evolve. It will happen whether I pay attention or not, but I want to experience this. So I quietly watch and I write. I take in the changes that make me vaguely uneasy.

And I wait. 

Comments

[mama_tulip]

You put your thoughts into words so beautifully.

[Arabella]

Well said.

I thought when I left my teenage years behind that I was finished with that feeling. As an adult, I am realizing that the feeling continues at various times throughout life.

[Nancy]

What Mama Tulip and Arabella said.

I'm feeling this way too -- it's contributing to my insomnia, this feeling that something's going to happen. It fills me with uneasiness, even though I don't expect anything bad.

Hang in there.

[Lori]

T, you express yourelf beautifully. I think a lot of us are going through some of the same feelings.

Personally, I am continuously longing. I long to feel content for more than a few hours. :)

[NSNmom]

That sob that you describe is so vivd in my memory as well. But at the same time, it is very vague and it seems as if I am unable to put my finger right on where it comes from. Maybe when we sleep, all of our worries and sadness comes to the surface and we get a little heartbroken while we sleep. Your blog was lovely.

[Julie]

Yes. But the changes of childhood and puberty and young adulthood seem much more predictable. I knew what I was waiting for. Or avoiding.

Now I don't know what lies ahead. Well, in some ways, I do (and it's sad and scary stuff, so the certainty - or inevitability - is not comforting). But I feel unsettled and uneasy. I'm on edge. My confidence has been shaken by the events of the past year. I feel like a cat, tentatively stepping onto surfaces that I'm not yet sure are safe and secure.

[Mignon]

What a moving post. I could feel that choked sob in my throat that you described as I was reading.

I started sleeping with a giant seal when I was 14, just for something to squeeze when I woke up with the lonely, strange feeling.

[Chris]

Your eloquence strikes chords in my heart and head. Are you a crysalis, waiting?

[Demeter]

This is what I like about your writing, it evokes resonant memories in my mind about myself. Very powerful! Full of angst.

[Elizabeth]

Once again you have put into words what so many of us are feeling these days. I hope you find the point you are moving towards and it is a good one.

[Heidi]

I never imagined that I would have these feeling throughout life. Just when I feel contented, something comes up. I am not good at forced changes to my routine and every time it is awkward for me.

Thinking of you.

[Dawn]

When I read this, TB, it reminded me that I once read somewhere that our bodies rejuvenate themselves every seven years. Something about all the cells having been refreshed.

Secondly, I have found ( as I creep on up to my 36th) that I am firmly a Woman now. This is a woman's body - and woman's emotions and thinking. That shocks me sometimes and evokes a similar time when I was moving from a child to a young woman.

At 35 we have alot more knowledge under our belts. We are freer about some things, and yet more cautious about other things. We have enough expereince to know, but the wisdom to know that there is a lot more we have no idea about.

[Debbie]

I used to think we would arrive at a point in life where these kinds of feelings would stop. The only thing I know now at 42, is that there is no such age.

Transitions and change are both tough to deal with. I am going through some of my own right now and I know I have been very emotional.

What kind of church did you grow up in?? You couldn't see ANY movies?

[Lynn]

This piece is so touching and so nicely written. I think you're right about the other, not so noticeable points of change. I've been feeling a little like you feel myself lately.

[roo]

Ah, TB, you got this just right.

Whatever it is you're incubating-- this imminent arrival you're sensing-- is clearly setting loose your creative mind. There's been a new force in your writing lately. I wonder if your recent solitude has had anything to do with it.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

[Gradual Gardener]

You're such a great writer! I should have my fourteen-year-old read this. I'm sure she'd like it!