Assurance

There was a time I remember when I was still so small that when I would take a bath, the front part of the tub up by the faucets was the deep end.

I recall being compact enough to fold myself into the front floorboard of my parent’s car to be closer to the heater on cold wet days. I would ride the entire way home from school or church tucked onto the floor, the heater running at full blast close to my ear, muffling the sounds of the radio and the road outside.

When I was young and would get tired at church, I would lie down and bury my head in my mother’s lap, inhaling the smell of her talcum powder. I would hold her hand, scrutinizing the diamond on her ring finger. Closing one eye, I would turn it this way and that and pass the time peering into duplicated rainbows and refractions.

To this day, when I see multicolored shapes through a prism, I remember with complete clarity the feeling of resting my head in my mother’s lap and of being small and protected and cared for.

I got too old to be allowed to lie down in church by the time I was five or six and the bathtub seemed to become shallower with each passing year until eventually I gave up trying to squeeze myself under the faucets.

Scrunching myself into the front of the car was the last thing to go. By the time I was 12 or 13, I couldn’t fit anymore, but by then I didn’t really want to anyway, eschewing the front seat for the back.

As an adult, it’s much easier to remember that feeling of complete security and well-being than it is to feel it in the same way I did as a child. Don't get me wrong, I love being an adult and for the most part, I think I handle the pressure of adult life pretty well, but I would love to be able to take a swim in the deep end of the tub every once in a while.

It would be lovely to rest my head in a place of comfort sometimes, with complete and utter assurance that everything would always be all right, gazing at images of the world through rainbows of color and light.

*Updated - Thanks again to Sarcomical for nominating me for a perfect post!

Comments

[Nancy]

I completely relate to this post. It's a combination of the feeling of youth -- no cares except your own -- and the memory of being so small that the whole world was full of little nooks and crannies to explore (and get a little bit lost in!) One of my favorite memories was going on road trips and spending the entire trip lounging in the back of the station wagon -- the far back -- where my brother and I could play and nap. No seat belts, no child seats, and just the perfect size for 2 kids to build a "nest" for travel. Napping in the car during a rainstorm was the best. :-)

[Chase]

How very beautifully written. Great post. :)

[mdog]

boy, you work quick. ;)

you're still small enough that i think i could have fit you in my pocket to take with me.

nice post. the comforts and memories of feeling safe and tucked in...

[Motherhood Uncensored]

You speak the truth. Memories are a comfort. Especially the good ones.

[Sarah-Jean]

I know exactly what you mean. Memories are so comforting and give us all some kind of security. Especially for me because the memories I have of my childhood include my father, who has since passed away. My memories of him are so precious and special to me and I don't know how I would get through my life without them. Thinking about him when I am sad gives me strength and I still wish that I could just curl up on his lap and sleep....

It's a little peice of security that I will never know again. Thank God for memories.

[mama_tulip]

Beautiful as usual, Teebs. Love this post.

[Mignon]

Now I'm all melancholy and sad. I remember wallowing in the deep end too. It was always warmer down there and the feel of the water running down my neck was so comforting.

I remember snuggling in my mom and grandmother's laps too. I used to suck my thumb and rub the soft part of their neck.

And Nancy, sitting in a warm car in a rainstorm still puts me in a heavenly trance.

[V-Grrrl]

Revelation: I've felt far more secure and safe and cared for as an adult than I did as a kid. This is not a reflection on my parents as much as it is a reflection on my husband and how far I've come from the nervous little girl I once was.

[Pattie]

Beatiful Post...thanks for sharing.

[roo]

One of my favorite pastimes as a child was to build nests in tiny spaces, like a shelf in the linen closet, climb in with my stuffed animals and a flashlight, and read a book.

My parents still live in the house I grew up in, and whenever I visit, I marvel at the tiny places that used to feel comfortable.

Lovely post, TB-- Thanks for the memories.

[Lynn]

I used to fold my body up between the arms of my favorite chair and take a nap, my hands placed under my face, palms together.

Even when I was young and felt protected by my father, I would worry about growing old, having to pay taxes and keep a job. I worried about the day he wouldn't be able to protect me anymore. That day came too soon.

[Brooke]

Aw Teebs...so much truth and understanding. You have so much insight and honesty. I am so lucky to count you as my friend.

[The Fat Lady Sings]

It is hard to feel completely secure as an adult sometimes - isn't it? Oh - you have spouse, family or friends; but in the end, it is you who has to be all grown up. Able to comfort yourself, if need be. We seldom acknowledge that need as an adult - to have someone put their arms around you and make all your fears and troubles go away with the butterfly brush of lips on your forehead. Did parents really ever kiss fevers away? I wouldn't know. The nice thing about memory, however; is the ability to pick and choose. I often choose to remember one thing over another. Happy, safe, loved - as opposed to the blacks and whites that comprise reality. Though in my fantasy childhood - I feel those butter-soft lips kissing my troubles away.

[wordgirl]

I know what you're talkinga about. Sometimes I get so caught up in being strong (or trying) that I forget how to relax and take comfort in something or someone else.

[Kristi]

That was beautiful. I see why you have been awarded the Perfect Post Award.

[Dawn]

I have also been longing for a less complicated time - one where I could fit everything into a neat space, and feel secure - anchored. This post captured that sense of security, without fetters.

[Lucinda]

Wow. I think of this so often. I used to squeeze myself into a shelf of a table right above the air conditioning vent in the summer time. I still have that table and I can't believe I ever fit in there comfortably! I long for those times when worries were unknown, too.
This was a great post! Congrats!

[MommaK]

I look at those small desks we used to sit in at school and wonder how I ever sat in one. Funny how we grow so much faster on the outside. It really does seem like yesterday that I was sitting in one of those desks and having my bra strap plucked by John or Steve or Chris.

Beautiful post. Congrats on the award :)

[Chris]

That's a lovely phrase and image - "...the deep end of the tub..." I'm trying to remember ever feeling that safe and secure.

[Alexandra/Infertile Gourmet]

Oh wow I too remember the deep end of the tub and the smell of my mothers perfume stuck to her skirt...when I was small enough that her skirt was nose level. Thank you for the trip to memory lane where life was safe and warm.

[Lizzie]

Hey there! I liked this; I so remember having the same feelings, especially about the "deep end of the bathtub." I also remember a time when I used to fold myself into my father's closet with my little brother, and watch my "give a show projector" on the wall, feeling cozy, but not especially cramped. Obviously, that was at a very young age.

Yours is always my favorite read, Tammi (I don't read many blogs though, admittedly). Just had to tell you this though: My first hurricane season has begun with Alberto bearing down on Tampa Bay. We are now under a hurricane warning! Do you believe it? The first storm of the season and he's hurtling right toward me. What luck! Can't wait until you get down here!

[Best regards]

hello !

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