Merriam Webster has several entries for the word through:
1 a (1) -- used as a function word to indicate movement into at one side or point and out at another and especially the opposite side of
2 a : from beginning to end b : to completion, conclusion, or accomplishment
3 : to the core : COMPLETELY
4 : into the open
In his poem, A Servant to Servants, Robert Frost wrote: "The best way out is always through". It's a quote that I have held close to my heart for the last decade. Now, as I am here in the middle of an unfamiliar place, unable to see the end, I am reminded that "through" can mean many things.
I wish it were easier for me to name these feelings. I'm having one of those moments where I thought I knew the kind of person I was and now I'm not so sure. I have built the last few years of my life on assumptions that seem to be crumbling faster than I can shore them up again.
Sometimes late at night as I prepare for bed, I will walk up the stairs in the dark. I count my way to the top, but as I reach the last step, I am often unsure of myself and cautiously shuffle my feet forward to keep from falling.
I'm feeling my way blindly at the moment. I have no idea when I'll be coming out on the other side or what I'll find when I get there. Something is fundamentally different, not necessarily in a way that is bad, or wrong, just different.
Somehow, as hard as I have tried to pay attention, something has changed and I'm not even sure what it is yet. It's time for me to figure it out so I can adjust.
And even though I know exactly how many steps it takes to reach the top, I'm counting and re-counting; moving slowly so I don't fall.
Teebs, you sound like you're in a bad place. I wish I was there to give you a hug.
Posted by: wordgirl | March 28, 2006 at 10:18 AM
You're in the midst of so many transitions...it sounds like you've summed up the feeling really well.
((Hugs.))
I really think you will feel better when you get to Florida.
Posted by: Arabella | March 28, 2006 at 11:12 AM
Robert Frost also said, "I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed."
You're OK. Don't let doubt make you scared. You're doing great.
Posted by: Tink | March 28, 2006 at 11:34 AM
I really really really loved that. The notion of counting steps and KNOWING that there is only one, but yet you are still unsure and need to feel around is great. Thanks for that.
Posted by: Kristen | March 28, 2006 at 11:53 AM
That is a great quote, and it makes sense to me right now. It's harder to go through, but it is the easiest way because trying to get around usually means you'll have to go through eventually and you're just putting off the obvious. I'm just starting to go through and although it's hard I know it's the best route. I hope you find your route.
Posted by: Jessie | March 28, 2006 at 12:50 PM
Ok, that's one of my favorite quotes of all time, and I think of it a lot when I'm in a rough spot....
*hug*
Posted by: Chris | March 28, 2006 at 03:55 PM
Hang in there, Teebs. So much in your life is kind of suspended right now, and I agree that once you get to Florida things will probably begin to settle down for you.
Big ((hugs)). Even though you're feeling like this, I think you're doing great.
Posted by: mama_tulip | March 28, 2006 at 04:35 PM
You are so eloquent - I hope that this transitional phase soon becomes smooth - you have a lot on your plate right now and that would make anyone hesitant.
Posted by: Nixie Knox | March 28, 2006 at 05:44 PM
I've had a couple periods in my life that just felt like limbo. And not the kind with roller skates and a broomstick. I wish for you a nice, happy distraction to help you through it. We're totally going to jump on the beds in Blogfest, aren't we?
Posted by: Mignon | March 28, 2006 at 05:47 PM
This is a beautiful entry, you have such a way of transforming your feelings into words.... I know I can't "know" what you are going through, but I hope it's ok for me to say that I feel like a caught a glimpse. I hope you feel better soon... sometimes it's worse to feel lost than it is to be in the middle of a tough situation, at least in the latter case you know where you are. Does that make sense? HUGS
ps. Did you get my last email?
Posted by: Kestrel | March 28, 2006 at 08:39 PM
Thinking of you...
Posted by: Heidi | March 28, 2006 at 08:59 PM
Yes, go through. Don't go around, and don't turn around. You'll be fine.
Posted by: Lynn | March 29, 2006 at 01:27 AM
One step at a time, even if you don't know how many steps it will take.
Posted by: V-Grrrl | March 29, 2006 at 08:18 AM
Oh honey, hang in there. I understand completely how you feel, and I'm here to help in any way possible.
*hug*
Posted by: Elizabeth | March 29, 2006 at 09:10 AM
Best of luck in stepping your way through this transition - you're going to do just fine :-)
Posted by: Cee | March 29, 2006 at 04:38 PM
How can you make something that's undoubtedly difficult sound so graceful and beautiful? That analogy of shuffling on the steps in the dark -- that's absolutely spot on.
But I hear your pain, and I am here for you if you need to hold someone's hand in the dark as you shuffle through. ((hugs))
Posted by: Nancy | March 30, 2006 at 03:13 PM
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing and congrats on your Perfect Post Award. You deserve it!
Posted by: Lucinda | March 31, 2006 at 12:42 PM
I'm going "through" some changes as well. Counting steps is a great way to make sure you'll get to the top safely...kind of like leaving breadcrumbs.
I really enjoyed reading this post. Thank you for participating in the Perfect Post awards and congrats on receiving one of your own. Bravo!
Posted by: MommaK | March 31, 2006 at 04:56 PM
I liked your blog alot - I enjoyed reading it
Posted by: bill | December 06, 2006 at 07:48 PM