Behind My Mother's Wedding Dress

One of the games my sisters and I liked best growing up was hide and seek. We would play incessantly in the house when the weather was bad and being the oldest, I had the best hiding places. I would lay horizontally across the chairs under the dining room table. The tablecloth came down far enough on the sides to obscure me from view, but I could still see everything that was going on in the room.

Another great spot was in the clothes hamper, with clothes on top of me, or on the shelf in the linen closet with towels or blankets stacked neatly in front. I was skinny and flexible, so it was easy for me to contort myself into small spaces. But the best spot I ever had was in my parents walk-in closet. My mother had several long dresses hanging toward the back, including her wedding dress and I would crawl behind them. If anyone opened the closet door, they would usually not search all the way back and if you were caught coming out of the closet, they still wouldn't know where you had been. It was perfect and I'll never forget that feeling of breathlessly, quietly waiting to be found and trying my hardest not to laugh and give myself away.

The environment that my sisters and I were raised in taught us that in order to be loved we had to be good.  God wouldn't love you if you were bad, or mean or disagreeable or ugly or hateful. My father would get violently angry if we were anything but quiet and peaceful and neat. I learned quickly that it was much easier to hide all of the negative parts of myself in order to avoid punishment and to gain approval. Instead of becoming a type-A perfectionist which I suppose it would have been easy to do, I just got really good at hiding things. And I got so good at it, I lived the next twenty years of my life hiding from myself and everyone else.

These days, I've realized it takes a lot more energy to put up a front than it does to simply accept who I am and embrace all the parts of myself, especially the ones I don't like very much. But it's still something I struggle with every single day. I suppose to me, that's what life is all about.  I was painfully shy as a little girl, so hiding, both literally and figuratively has always come naturally to me. I still want to hide, but now the need to really see myself and to be seen mostly outweighs the need to cover up the negative.

I'm working on being more transparent and not worrying or caring that someone doesn't like me, or "get" me. I'm trying, for the first time in my life to draw people in closer instead of keeping them at arm's length because I'm afraid of rejection. I want to love myself unconditionally and forgive myself for taking so long to get here.

I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to be. I'm sometimes angry and jealous and petty, but I'm also kind. I'm really perceptive but I'm trying not to use that perception to make snap judgments about others. I'm a good liar and I have to work at being honest sometimes, especially with myself. I've done a lot of drugs, some that were good for me, and some that weren't, and sometimes I have too much to drink, but I'm also a good listener and a good friend. I'm not any better or worse than anyone else and I try as hard as I can not to make those comparisons.

I'm often naive, but I'm trying to hold onto that so I can sometimes be surprised by what the world has to offer. I've made a lot of mistakes that I can't take back and as much as I would still like to climb behind my mother's wedding dress and stay there every once in a while, I'm striving to see myself clearly for the good or the bad.

I guess what it comes down to is that nowadays, I'm doing a lot more seeking than hiding. These days, I'm still breathlessly waiting to be found, but I'm laughing and giving myself away as often as I can.

Comments

[mdog]

i am continually amazed by your writing and its content. wow.

[Nancy]

I'm with mdog -- wow. I love how you can spin the past and the present, the metaphorical and the real, together into a complex and interesting post.

[Arabella]

Great metaphor. Really well done.

[Mrs. Harridan]

Nice. Very brave. I think you know yourself amazingly well.

[V-Grrrl]

Those last two sentences are perfect. I nominated you for best written blog in the Bloggies.

I think as we get older, we come to terms with who we are and who we're not, and I think part of that is seeing our parents a little more objectively. Learning to love and forgive ourselves is what makes us able to be compassionate towards others. And compassion is a powerful tool for peace.

[Tink]

*Exhales* Wow girl. As usual, another beautifully written post that leaves me somewhere in between crying and smiling. I like you. I like you just the way you are.

[madge]

So evocative. I felt like I was hiding with you.

[wendyod10]

Your writing is exquisite.

[wordgirl]

You can't possibly know how much you remind me of myself. This post is so eloquent and raw, but you're not bitter...just honest. I enjoy tremendously your writing and the insights it offers.

[Lisa Ann]

thank you for sharing. that post was beautiful and amazing.

[mama_tulip]

Wow. To echo the other posters, your writing is fabulous. I got to the end and wanted to keep reading. :)

To echo Wordgirl, I can't tell you how much you remind me of me. I found many similarities between this post and my own life -- past and present.

Your honesty and the obvious respect you have for yourself, flaws and all, show what kind of person you are.

[Hill]

Absolutely beautiful! So glad you stopped by this morning so I could be nosy and follow you home.

And what a lovely home it is!

Great post and I love the honesty. It's something I have vowed to do more as well - be more honest and out there with my blog. I hope I can do it as eloquently as you.

Again, thanks for coming by and I'll definitely be back!!

[Dawn]

Howdy love. Sorry I've been away. I just read through all the posts and methinks that the new year has made someone super, duper eloquent.

P.S. I liked hiding in the dryer. I could fit inside the dryer at one point!

[Mignon]

Typepad ate my previous comment somehow??
I just wanted to say that was wonderful teebs. I love your writing and I feel like I know you better than some of my close friends because of it. People that love themselves are some much easier for the rest of us to love!
And great idea V-G - I second the nomination!

[Denice]

This reminded me of when I would go look at my mom's dress in her closet. Usually, it was playing hide and seek.

I enjoy hearing how you are working through the past in such a good way.

[Elizabeth]

Wonderfully honest. And man oh man, can I relate. One day (and this day may never come) I will live my life as authentically as I can. Until then though, I'm a big ol' sneaky pants. But good to see that someone else is, too.

[Shrinking Violet]

Truly another great post. I agree with the folks above....wonderful metaphor. Plus, I loved hiding in the clothes hamper too! And remember, people can't really love YOU if they don't really know YOU. Let your freak flag fly!

[schmutzie]

I was raised the same way, and it is a struggle most days to be honest with myself and others. I also use my front as a way of keeping others distant. Thank you for reminding me! I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, but I think I just found one.

[RGLHM]

That was amazing. What a gift you have of being able to ponder and write. I am able to relate to the good behaviour equals love. Today I heard the song "That I would be good" by Alanis Morrisette I think and it made me think of the desire that I think we all have to be loved no matter what. And I think many people are hiding hoping to be found but they just don't know it. My #1 desire for me as a mother is that my child will always know that "It's all ok and I really love you", no matter what.

[The Fat Lady Sings]

Life tends to cycle itself - that's why a circle is used so often to represent who we are, and where we are going. We move through less often than go around; avoidance is easier, somehow - skirting the edges of our reality in lieu of sifting through both the good and the bad. So I understand - where you have been and where you want to go. It helps to put it on paper (as it were). The words help exorcise those demons that tend towards tenacity. Good work - I know it helped.