Forgiving, Forgetting or Moving On

My father lives in North Carolina with my stepmother and I saw him for the first time in 5 years in May. I chose to see him so my husband would have a chance to meet him, but other than that, we don't really keep in touch.

The history with my dad is complicated, as family relationships usually are. His mother was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and I'm sure he went through hell when he was growing up, even though he never really talked about it. My father is the classic adult child of an alcoholic and has been this way since I was a little girl. He is, to this day emotionally unavailable, angry and depressed. He doesn't have the capacity to deal with his feelings - good or bad, so he simply doesn't.  It seems like an awful way to live.

I don't want to get into it too much, but I'll just say he wasn't much of a parent because he could never allow himself to open up. He was shut down emotionally, sometimes abusive and completely dysfunctional. I could write a hundred different posts and still not cover all of it. This is the abbreviated version.

He started "dating" a month after my mom died and was engaged three months later and re-married less than a year after her death. I had already moved out of the house at that point, so I didn't know my stepmother very well. As the person who was supposed to be helping my dad raise my two younger sisters, I hoped for the best, but things just really did not go well.

My middle sister ended up moving out of the house at 15 and we were both on our own. At one point, I was in college working full time and trying to finish my bachelors degree and my 15 year old sister was living with me and going to high school. That did not end well, but that's a story for another time. My youngest sister has a mental disability and while she lived at home with my dad and step mom for a few years longer. She didn't fare much better.

Throughout my 20s I kept in touch with my father and my step mom, out of a sense of responsibility or obligation. But I started to realize that no matter what I did, my dad was never going to change, or really be present in our relationship. I would find myself a complete basket case before and after seeing him, my stomach in knots and an emotional wreck. Finally, after years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me and a lot of therapy, it really sunk in: It's not my problem. My dad is an adult and if he chooses to live this way, there's nothing I can do about it. But I don't have to subject myself to something that is not healthy either.

So I call him occasionally, I send cards and gifts on major holidays and I don't stress myself out about it anymore. I spent over a decade being bitterly angry at him for everything he had done and for what he was and it was making me sick. My bitterness and pain was like the proverbial albatross and I had to give it up in order to not become like him.

I have forgiven him. Although, in my mind, forgetting is something else entirely. It doesn't seem healthy to me to repress memory, or wipe my mind clean of everything that happened. If I did that, I would also have to repress some good things and I don't want to do that. But I don't dwell on it. I can't. To rehash everything, to pick up that heavy weight and carry it around is to give it power over me.

And that's really what it all comes down to. We forgive, not for others, but for ourselves, so we can reclaim our lives.

Today is the winter solstice. In the ancient tradition of lighting a candle to battle darkness on this day, here is my wish for everyone in my life: May you find peace in your past, happiness in your present and hope in your future.

Comments

[Tink]

I just adore you. We have so much in common. When people would ask about my father I used to answer, "I am the product of him, but not in the image of him." You got the best parts of him and that's all that truly matters. It's just sad that he missed out on so many opportunities.

[savia]

This is beautiful. I can relate to so much you've written. As the child of an alcoholic myself, I do find it really difficult to get close to other people. I worry about what kind of a parent I'd be and wonder if I even want to go there. Thanks for sharing.

[Brooke]

Count me in the group. My Dad and I didn't even speak for 12 years at one point, mostly due to the fact that it never occured to him to pick up the phone. He was an obsessed workaholic with no time for relationships or family, and I had to come to grips with that.

Then he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had VERY little time left. I tried desperately to make my peace with both him and myself, really.

When, at his funeral, I heard him eulogized as a wonderful husband and father, I was very very angry. Captain of Industry, yes. Family Man, no way. I couldn't show it, but you better believe I shouted it out in my car on the way home.

I commend you for attaining a self-awareness and knowledge of his place in your life. Peace is a tought nut. But I'm glad you've cracked it.

Beautiful post.

[rivermomma]

Agreed, wonderful post. Especially for those of us who have lost a parent or simply want to find ways to liberate our hearts and minds from where we came from, to be forward looking about where we are going.

[roo]

Happy Solstice, TB! Yours were the first wishings-well I've received today; thanks. And I wish you the same.

I've had a hard time knowing what to do with some of my feelings about my father. It's anger, fighting my gut-level knowledge of the uselessness of confrontation. I read a passage from Thich Nhat Hanh, in which he recommends holding your anger as though it were a crying baby. For some reason, envisioning that seems to help.

[Dawn]

Do you know that song "daughters"? It struck me, when it was released, how very true that song has become. The struggle to love ~ to allow yourself to love a different image of a man than your father can be very hard. This is why, I believe, so many women end up marrying their "father" and bringing new children to the table for their helping of pain.

As a woman who has survived just about the worst my father could dish out, I was so relieved when I too came to the difference between forgiveness as a gift to Yourself versus forgiveness as a gift to the other person.

A wonderful therpist once told me that "Forgivness has nothing to do with saying that what he did wasn't Wrong. It is only letting you move past the events themselves."

Many warm wishes to you on this Winter Solstice. I raise a glass of Honey Mead to you!

[Denice]

A beautifully written post. I agree with you, it is not what others did to us, but how we deal with their actions that define our lives.

[Nancy]

I admire you greatly for being able to forgive and not to dwell on the negative things which happened with your father. It speaks volumes about your strength of character.

Peace to you too on the day of winter solstice.

[Politiko]

I didn't know that being emotionally distant is related to having an alcoholic parent. This explains a lot in my family.

Nice to meet you too.

[Debbie]

same thing here. I love my dad though and he has done the best he can by me. The song by Reba McEntire, The Greatest Man I Never Knew, sums it up well for me.

Can you write a book now so that a lot of others can forgive, move on and not live in the past?

[Arabella]

You probably have the healthiest outlook in response to this kind of family situation that I've ever heard. Good for you. May your future be better for it.

[Isabel]

Being a part of a family is hard stuff. I didn't realize this until I became an adult.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!!